These are my muses. My descriptions of what it feels like to suffer from depression and anxiety attacks. I have struggled in the past with bouts of these emotional aliments but motherhood really brought me to a place of complete fragility. Being a mother has been a BEAUTIFUL, painful, and messy journey. I am thankful the darkness I’ve experienced has brought me to a new place of deep growth. I stand naked now, keenly aware of all that is broken inside me. I stand with a new day dawning that doesn’t include masks, perfection, performance, and comparison. I am determined to be brave with my vulnerability and find God in places I have never seen Him before. The darkness that has been so thick has brought about a spiritual awakening that only brokenness, silence, and question marks can bring. I am also determined to do the heart work of significant reflection that brings about a new ways of doing life. My identity is being re-imagined and re-defined.
I am always left with courage when someone owns their story. So in speaking my truth, my hope is that you might grow in courage toward your own journey. I also hope that in seeing me you would see all those who are lonely and broken. The ones we so easily forget on the margins of life. The ones we never touch because of all the hurry in life. So much of my story involves those who have reached into my darkness with a hand of light. It makes all the difference. I am not brave on my own.
And i’m not sure where i begin and where i end. I’m not sure I ever knew. Because I have a chronic problem with my identity. and this seems to be the ultimate brake. I cant function under all this darkness and weight. foggy head and sleep seem to be all i can grasp as a part of me. my old habits of numbing and faking shut me down to this place of lucid darkness.(blackness) my soul is craving truth and light and realness (vulnerability) but I don’t know how to do that. i cover it with a shadow of comparison but my inner self just wants to be herself. again or for the first time, i’m not really sure.
it would be the utmost inconvenient to try and find myself. my real life consist of real people that grew inside me. their looking at me for cues on life and all i can muster up is that mama is in the dark. in the deep isolated dark. i don’t know whats real anymore. i don’t know what i believe about the meaning of life. all i know is mama is lost. so lost. and if i cant say it out loud then i might as well not be alive.
and all this real talk is breaking the dark mold. light is streaming in. just a little. just enough. because don’t you know. truth sets people free. its what i’m counting on. my truth won’t live around my pain. walking through it will be my medicine. freedom and pain will touch each other. they’ll hold hands and mold something new together. and this is what i know.
so what else can i say to these people that grew inside. other then watch this show because mama is sick. i’ll say i don’t know. and i’m not sure. ill say look at the sky and the birds. and don’t you wonder how those birds are even alive. ill say watch the trees dance. listen to the wind. and i’ll no longer fake it till i make it. ill say that’s a lie. because baby, you can fake it but i promise you, you won’t make it.
and this will be my real talk.
**Photo by Sasha Kurmaz
Photograph by Sasha Kurmaz