Real Talk

bb7db0e9b6e75ab07b30873b0e48e6a2And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. —-Anais Nin

 These are my muses. My descriptions of what it feels like to suffer from depression and anxiety attacks. I have struggled in the past with bouts of these emotional aliments but motherhood really brought me to a place of complete fragility. Being a mother has been a BEAUTIFUL, painful, and messy journey. I am thankful the darkness I’ve experienced has brought me to a new place of deep growth. I stand naked now, keenly aware of all that is broken inside me. I stand with a new day dawning that doesn’t include masks, perfection, performance, and comparison. I am determined to be brave with my vulnerability and find God in places I have never seen Him before. The darkness that has been so thick has brought about a spiritual awakening that only brokenness, silence, and question marks can bring. I am also determined to do the heart work of significant reflection that brings about a new ways of doing life. My identity is being re-imagined and re-defined.

I am always left with courage when someone owns their story. So in speaking my truth, my hope is that you might grow in courage toward your own journey. I also hope that in seeing me you would see all those who are lonely and broken. The ones we so easily forget on the margins of life. The ones we never touch because of all the hurry in life. So much of my story involves those who have reached into my darkness with a hand of light. It makes all the difference. I am not brave on my own.

real talk.

And i’m not sure where i begin and where i end. I’m not sure I ever knew. Because I have a chronic problem with my identity. and this seems to be the ultimate  brake. I cant function under all this darkness and weight. foggy head and sleep seem to be all i can grasp as a part of me. my old habits of numbing and faking shut me down to this place of lucid darkness.(blackness) my soul is craving truth and light and realness (vulnerability) but I don’t know how to do that. i cover it with a shadow of comparison but my inner self just wants to be herself. again or for the first time, i’m not really sure.

it would be the utmost inconvenient to try and find myself. my real life consist of real people that grew inside me. their looking at me for cues on life and all i can muster up is that mama is in the dark. in the deep isolated dark. i don’t know whats real anymore. i don’t know what i believe about the meaning of life. all i know is mama is lost. so lost. and if i cant say it out loud then i might as well not be alive.

and all this real talk is breaking the dark mold. light is streaming in. just a little. just enough. because don’t you know. truth sets people free. its what i’m counting on. my truth won’t live around my pain. walking through it will be my medicine. freedom and pain will touch each other. they’ll hold hands and mold something new together. and this is what i know.

so what else can i say to these people that grew inside. other then watch this show because mama is sick. i’ll say i don’t know. and i’m not sure. ill say look at the sky and the birds. and don’t you wonder how those birds are even alive. ill say watch the trees dance. listen to the wind. and i’ll no longer fake it till i make it. ill say that’s a lie. because baby, you can fake it but i promise you, you won’t make it.

and this will be my real talk.

**Photo by Sasha Kurmaz

Photograph by Sasha Kurmaz



4 thoughts on “Real Talk

  1. So beautiful, Sarah. Your real words are exactly what we need to hear. I was so touched by the line that it would be of the “utmost inconvenience to find myself.” So proud of you for sharing what is on your heart in it’s raw form–truth and lies, light and darkness, both. Because we all exist in some combination of these things, and hearing someone else admit it brings healing to more than just yourself.

  2. Dear Sarah, you are my hero for sharing this. Beautifully written words to describe the darkness. And if you’ve never experienced it, it’s one thing; but if you have, these words are powerful. I pray that you would find more and more moments of the heaviness lifting and of the enemy’s lies being SHUT down! I pray that you would literally FEEL the presence of God right. There. With. You in the middle of the darkness. He utterly delights in you RIGHT. THERE. And I pray that you will know that you are NEVER alone and that the rest of us are utterly and completely messed up right there with you. Really, girl. What you’re doing is HARD and the truth is that those precious babies aren’t in your head with you and they think you hung the moon. My kids don’t remember my darkness from when they were little. They really do adore you – guarantee it. And you are the PERFECT and chosen mom for them. Ahhhhh!! Just wish I could hug you right now! Just know I really am praying for you! ❤️

    • Ah Anda, I’m over here crying! Thank you for your words. Especially about my babies and them NOT being in my head. I see how Gods grace extends over them as this mama wades through sometimes dark waters.

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